Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Gorgeous Bore.

Once upon a time... in a faraway land,
there was a tiny kingdom...
peaceful, prosperous,
and rich in romance and tradition.
Here, in a stately chateau,
there lived a widowed gentleman...
and his little daughter, Cinderella.

Every time I listen to the opening  of the 1950 Disney's Cinderella I get the proverbial warm feeling inside.
In very few words we get the complete picture of what the premises are for this lovely fairy tale and after that we are free to dive in with memorable characters such as the evil stepmother, ugly stepsisters, a devilish cat and a plethora of singing and helpful mice and birds.
The way Cinderella fulfills her duties as a singing-sensation/housekeeper is almost poetic and the fact that she can dance in glass slippers makes her even more of a hero, a beacon for all of those hopeful singles souls awaiting to get their frigging happily ever after.



The late trend at Disney has been transposing to live action some of their most beloved animated characters.
The slightly sapphic Maleficent sort of proved them right with a box office triumph so they decided to go ahead and infuse fantasy with a whole lot of flesh and bone.

The live action version of Cinderella is first and foremost baroque in its relentless display of opulent costumes and sets. For that I am deeply grateful to Disney, less is simply less and the visually "more" we were allowed to gorge on in Cinderella 2.0 was very well welcomed in my house.
The cinched waists were science-fictionally tiny, the costumes were so obscenely decadent they made me go into sensory overdrive a couple of times and the phenomenal Cate Blanchett made me wish Disney would actually consider making a whole movie on how the stepmother ended up being so fabulous and cunty.

That being said I didn't leave the movie theater humming away "a dream is a wish your heart makes".
What really bugged me was the fact that the writers applied the same rule as the costume designer: the "morer" the better.
First of all we had to sit through Cinderella's mom dying and giving a speech right before she bit the dust. I much prefer the cartoon version of it: Cinderella's father was a widower from the beginning and we just had to deal with that notion.
Then Prince Charming's father, the King, has to go home in a box too. Unfortunately Charming Senior has a lot to say while agonizing in his gilded death chamber. Again more chatter. At that point I completely tuned out and started wishing for more Blanchett delicious high cheekbones and perfectly painted red lips.

We all know how the story is going to end, right?
There is no surprise on that front.
I don't think that trying to add entertainment value with very long and sappy dialogues was the right move. I was captured by what I was seeing but I definitely got bored to tears by what I was hearing.
Kindness and courage blah, blah, blah...

Also can anybody explain to me why are they putting those fake ass huge dentures on witches and fairy godmothers lately?
It happened to the glorious Meryl Streep in Into the Woods and this time around Helan Bonham Carter ended up using her magic wand while sporting what looked like a shiny toilet bowl instead of teeth. Please stop the madness.

On top of that it really pissed me off that all the wonderful music from the original movie was gone to be replaced with plenty of jibber jabber. What always propels a Disney movie are the wonderful musical numbers that have kept us singing along for decades. With this Cinderella we will have to learn how to jibber jabb.

What really made me LOL (and I am pretty sure that was not the reaction the writers wanted to achieve) was what Cinderella and Charming told each other at the end of the film.
They plead to one another "take me as I am".
Huge effort to take one another as they are.
She is a beautiful blond whit amazing housekeeping skills and a 16 inches waist.
He is a soon to be king blessed with charming looks and (by what we could guess from the promontory cleverly hidden under his tights) an adequate accessory to keep Cinderella properly entertained in the boudoir.
I am sheer perfection but please take me as I am...

...and they lived happily ever laughter.

Ciao for now.

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