Into the disappointing woods with congenial teens and thrifty lesbians.

Bosom friends as promised here is my personal take on the cinematic version of Into the Woods.

Into the woods,
It's time to review,
It may be all
In vain, I know.
Into the woods-
But even so,
I have to take the journey.

This was my second time ever attending a movie on its first week of release. My first time was when I got dragged by my hubby to see one of the Hunger Games episodes against my will. I was force fed two hours of Peeeetaaaa! and there isn't enough Pepto-Bismol in the world to help me digest that experience.
So I will consider going to Into the Woods as my first ever willing, opening week movie affair.
As I mentioned before I was slightly excited over this release. I think I peed myself a couple of times while watching one of the trailers during commercial breaks on TV. The idea of Meryl Streep as the iconic witch alone, made me go into system overdrive more times than I care to admit. Not to mention the presence in the movie of basically all of the young Hollywood royalty. I thought I was going to have to wear an adult diaper to the movies in case I wasn't able to contain my enthusiasm properly.

Into the Woods was the very first musical that I had the pleasure of learning bits from when I moved to London after winning a scholarship for one of their many Performing Art colleges. To be said that ITW has particularly word-heavy lyrics, so it was not the best of times for me to tackle such a monster. When I moved to the UK my English was not remotely as fluent as it is now 12 years later (funny it has been so many years but I haven't aged a day). How reckless of me moving to a country not really knowing its language. Or brave. Whatever. Now that my linguistic skills are better I can alienate a bigger audience. Go me!
Every time I hear a song from that production I get catapulted back in time to that college. I was broke and I couldn't really utter a word, but being exposed to that wonderfully written music for the first time made me fell like a million bucks. West End (UK's Broadway) here I come!

Original Musical artwork.

So when I found out that Walt Disney was going to produce the movie version of the stage production I was over the frigging moon.
Hubby secretly was not as over the moon as I was, actually by the time we made it to the cinema he was just over it period. In any case he held my sweaty hand and took me to the Regal Cinemas on Lincoln Rd. The day after Christmas. Suicidal. I am sure he felt like a kamikaze right before jumping off a plane (and he was not going to find 6 virgins waiting for him in heaven either...).
I did purchase the tickets prior on my phone's app so there was no turning back. Banzaiii!!!

Once we got to the theater we whizzed right up to the N.8 cinema since we already had our tickets, but the lines in front of the tickets booths were not very encouraging. Yet again I was on a mission so I pretended not to be bothered by the swarming masses.
We found a good spot to park our butts on and high-fived each other for being so street wise.
Well, we did celebrate a bit too soon.
Here is why.
The three teenage girls behind me thought it was appropriate to lay their UGG boots on top of the back of my seat and proceeded to give a nice and unwanted push and release massage (UGG boots in bloody Miami? They must have Porcini mushrooms growing between their toes). I quickly turned back and told them they needed to stop that syncopated Can-can they were performing back there. Those damsels looked at me like I just asked them to shave their bikini area right then and there. Also upon turning I discovered that they must have run out of shampoo and conditioner since they looked like they just got out of the woods. Bless them, social media leaves you time for nothing else.
Let met take a selfieeeee (but wash your hair first).
I also found out when teenagers actually talk to each others instead of fidgeting on their mobiles 24/7. During a effing movie ladies and gentlemen, that's when.
As soon as  the movie initiated those three delightful gals started whispering to one another like they were sharing high-level security information from the FBI. What was so urgent that it had to be shared while Her Grace Meryl was about to appear I do not care to know. What I would like to know is who raised such congenial youngsters. Probably wolfs from the woods.
One more time I turned and shushed them while serving them one of my finest look of shame. They probably got their period then and there.
Finally the teens were fixed.
My next mission was to take care of the row of lesbians sitting in front of us. They were as excited as me (bless us all) but they had a slightly different way to show it. First of all those ladies did not care for whispering. No. The louder the better for the people of my community. But they limited that for the promotional reels before the movie. The unusual event happened while the Disney logo was glistening on the silver screen (you know when the fairy dust draws a dome on top of the castle).
The queen bee of that group took out from her insulated bag a glass container the size of a small casserole. She then opened it and proceeded to eat her Christmas dinner left overs instead of the already noisy popcorn her friends were happily snacking on. She even had a reusable glass water bottle with what looked like tea in it. There is no sin in being thrifty and using reusable containers is commendable but we were at the movies, not sitting on grass having a picnic. She was very proper in using her cutlery but the smell of her food was just too much for an afternoon show on Boxing Day. If it would have been cold perhaps it wouldn't have been so powerfully intoxicating, but lesbians don't play around! When they do something they do it right: her food was piping hot (I saw the steam illuminated by the projector's light). I honestly do love gay girls for their commitment to whatever they do. If I had that drive I could rule the world. Unfortunately eating roast dinner while Meryl belts out some tunes is something I do not find appropriate. Luckily she ate her unfitting snack in a short and efficient manner. Just like her hair cut, short and efficient. Gotta love those girls!

Now that the audience was quiet (almost as quiet as I would have liked it to be anyway) we all sat and watched what was supposed to be the movie of the year. Oh well.

I am not going to tell you how much Disney changed from the original stage version.
They had too though. It's still Disney for Christ sakes. They are not going to kill Rapunzel after making her give birth to bastard twins in the desert on her own (that's what happens to her in the original Broadway show).
Please, all the musical purists are advised to back off. If you want the stage version go to the theater when the touring company comes to your town. We got it, the original is deeper and the emotional charge is way more compelling. Blah, blah, blah.
Walt Disney paid to make the movie so they did what they thought was going to make them the most money back. Changing the story line included. End of story (pun intended).

What made me very sad (I was not mad, I could never be mad at something that had Meryl in it) was the fact that the first hour of the movie really worked. The remaining hour though felt like it was the remaining three hours. It dragged like Princess Diana's wedding dress train. Long and long.
Once Meryl Streeps character transformed from an ugly and old witch to the young and gorgeous version of herself I completely lost interest. After that all I could see was the fake teeth they made Meryl wear after the transformation. Her speech was a bit impaired and she looked like she had a shiny and way too white toilet bowl in her mouth. Porcelain denture gone wild.

Sensational Meryl.

Before...

...and after.

Meryl was magnificent anyway, we can never fault any of her performances.
She is it. Let's just bow to her greatness.
The rest of the cast was amazing too. Emily Blunt is just a delight and her character actually manages to keep together such a shaky story line.
Anna Kendrick is perfect as the annoyingly indecisive Cinderella.
The rendition of the song Agony by Chris Pine and Billy Magnussen was just perfection. It really describes perfectly how men deal with their small emotions. They are just dramatically over the top about feelings when they shouldn't...Pine looked so gorgeous though he could have sang the Itsy Bitsy Spider song and I would have bought it, no question asked.
They are indeed all great actors and singers and they looked like they belonged to their characters.
All of them with the exception of Johnny Depp. He was the Big Bad Wolf. But he could have been any of the same characters he has been portraying for the last decade. He could have been Jack Sparrow in a wolf get up for all I know.  Luckily he is in the movie for a grand total of 5 minutes. Then the wolf gets killed by the baker. And Johnny pulls yet another previously seen facial expression.
Same old, same old. Done and dusted Depp. I will stick with Edward Scissorhands, that was a much more poetic rendition.

Cinderella.

WOW.

Don't get me wrong, the visual aspect of the whole production was stunning. Unfortunately you can only look for so long at something beautiful if there isn't anything else offered to keep you entertained. For the second hour of the movie I felt like I was staring at one of the less successful Baldwin brothers, pretty but dull.

In any case I still left the movies singing the title song form the musical and wishing I could meet Meryl in person one day (or be her).
Hubby was not so thrilled by the fact that those show tunes remained with me long after the movie was over, but what can I say. I blame it on the fact that that production has sentimental value since it is the first one I have ever learned in English.
Nice try, the reality is that I am just as queer as they come.
Gives us plenty of show tunes, we need them like the desert needs the rain.

One more time for the cheap seats in the back:

Into the woods,
It's time to go,
I hate to leave,
I have to, though.
Into the woods-
It's time, and so
I must begin the laundry.

Ciao for now.