Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Man-up-pills, Chinese goose feathers and a dumb nurse.

Bosom friends I have an announcement to make:

Yes it has happened.

The other day I was just thinking How wonderful I haven't caught the flu in a very long time.
The very same moment my brain was done thinking that, I swear I started feeling my nose getting itchy. My eyes began to dry and my throat got that funny feeling inside.

True story.

I woke up the following day with the right side of my mouth completely out of moisture and I felt like my gums shrank overnight.
After that it was a free for all.
My nose started dripping and my head swelled to twice its size. My sinuses are still under a very uncomfortable, persistent pressure.
Not to mention my nose skin. It looks like the Death Valley, the driest place in the USA. Also it's red.
Red is a very festive color (fair enough) but I would much prefer if that nose shade remained Rudolph's prerogative.

I am not going to write about the usual man flu jokes because it is still a case of man flu, but the man in question is a gay one. In this case the dynamics of the illness are quite different.

Chicken soup.
It's all well and good that you are trying to make us feel better but the soup must be low fat, low carb, low sodium and high in proteins. Skip the dippy bread as well. We are already sick and we don't need to be bloated as well. You'll never know what kind of social engagement might be thrown our way, we need to be show ready at all times.
What may be good for the soul is for sure not good for our hips, abs and love handles...basically not good for our self esteem in general.

Hot Toddy.
The gays appreciate the charm of old remedies but only when it comes to fashion sense. For instance a freshly pressed white shirt, a nice pair of pants and clean shoes and you are good to go. When it comes to healing any kind of illness we do prefer our chemicals. We only approve the Native American shamanic concoctions when we need to provide ourselves with a buzz or a high. To placate the flue symptoms and suppress our running noses we feel free to pop considerable amounts of Mucinex pills. To fight the flu we will gobble down gallons of NyQuill because we need our beauty sleep first and foremost. We will think about our liver later on.

Emergency alarm.
Although we do enjoy the craftsmanship of a well made bell (You can ring my be-e-ell, ring my bell, ding-dong) we do not need dust collectors around us when we are already having troubles breathing properly.
We were born equipped with voices that carry like the flu does. Our tones travel wide and long just like any virus and they are as annoying. Even if the flu takes our voices away we still manage to spit out help requests (ORDERS) with the sound projection of Maria Callas and with as much dramatic flair.

It must be filled with hypoallergenic feathers of White Chinese goose breed.
The duvet cover has to be 1500 Thread Count Egyptian quality and be of a calming and soothing shade. Nothing tacky, that will only aggravate our condition.

Attire - onesie exclusion zone.
Our community fully support the onesie ban. As I mentioned before we are already feeling like shit, we don't need to look like it too. It's bad enough we can't control our eyes puffiness while fighting a cold, but we can for sure control the fit of our indoor attire.

Mental stimulation.
We don't do box sets. Your average gay guy (but we don't do average either) will enjoy way more watching reality TV programs ranging from Bravo TV, to the TLC channel passing by E! Entertainment. Nothing makes us feel better than bitching about the ass-y Kardashians while they take over the Hamptons (seriously when are they gonna be done with taking over shit???) or bitterly judging one of those Real Housewives of whatever neighbourhood. Guilty pleasure as charged.

Hot water bottle.
We will indeed need one, but no care-taker is allowed to know about it. They are all aware that we are hiding it under our precious duvet, but they are all obliged to play dumb. A hot water bottle makes us feel better but the presence of it reminds us that we are not getting any younger and that, is a concept we cannot deal with while suffering from the flu. Actually we can't deal with it full stop.

Nurse's uniform.
We do take pleasure from dressing up anytime we can. Halloween we go a little slutty, theme parties we go a little funny and family and high school reunions we go a little butch-y.
In the flu case whomever is wearing the nurse uniform must be gorgeous but as thick as marzipan so we won't feel bad about ourselves. Our nurse has to look and act like the blond muscle hunk Rocky Horror (a creation) from the cult movie. To be perfectly honest the fashion of the uniform is not important as long as it remains quite revealing. We need to do what we need to do in order to alleviate the course of our illness.

Pretty Dumb.
I know that being dramatic will not improve our state anyway, but I found some exaggerated man-flu related pictures that made me a bit bitter (perhaps because they are pretty true...)

I wouldn't even be that bothered by the flu if it happened to me during another part of the year, but to strike me right before Christmas? Just like finding out that your secret weapon perfume is out of production. For good.
Not cool.
I was already not into the Christmas spirit here in Miami (with 80 something degrees outside), imagine how festive I must feel right now with a stuffy nose and puffy eyes.
To think that according to my Elf Name Generator I should be called Perky-Pickle-Pants.
I feel more like Grumpy-Snotty-Nose or Petulant-Puffy-Eyes.

May the Mucolytic force be with me. 

Ciao for now.


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